Have you ever longed for something so strongly that your heart almost hurts when you think about it? Maybe there was a physical aspect to it, like hunger or thirst.  Most of us in the States have never had to experience that kind of longing. Perhaps it was a particular relationship. Or maybe you simply wanted that really cool pair of shoes you saw in the mall.

I haven’t fully processed through my own theology of longing, but I imagine that there is often a very fine line between a Godly longing and a sinful one. From the outside they sometimes look the same, such as the relationships between two different men and women. But where one couple’s relationship promotes a deeper commitment to God and each other, the other may only promote anxiety and fear if the foundation of the relationship is not grounded in their love of Christ.

I’ve been thinking about this fine line lately as I begin raising support to go back on the mission field in Europe. I feel that God has given me a vision for ministry in the arts in Europe, and that vision is growing within me every day. Sometimes I’ve had a hard time keeping rein on my excitement as I share my calling with other people!

But I’m also scared to death of the support-raising process. I’ve had difficulty at times in holding back my anxiety as I process the amount of time and energy it will take to raise the support necessary to live overseas, and that doesn’t count how scared I am to ask people to join my ministry in financial support! A few weeks ago I stressed myself out with the idea that I’ll never get to join my ministry in Europe; that no one will want to support this vision.

My anxiety, however, could only have been rooted in sin. I know God has called me to this journey, so why should I fear? My fear signified a lack of trust in God, not a lack of vision.

I’m often disappointed that I can so quickly pervert a Godly longing with an ungodly fear. In the last few weeks I’ve asked God to take away my anxiety, to pull my eyes back to Him when I get distracted by details. Yes, this process will take time, and in my humanness I certainly wish it was a lot easier. But I’ve already been tremendously blessed in the few days I’ve met with people to share my ministry vision.

I wish I wouldn’t fight the lessons that God works to teach me; I wish trust came easier. But I’m glad He considers me worth the effort!