I’m tired of travelling, but blessed.

The further north I go, the faster I move through time. Autumn was still waking in Georgia and South Carolina, while tunnels of flame-colored leaves in North Carolina and Virginia—vivid reds, bright yellows, deep shades of orange—morph into nearly leafless trees in Pennsylvania. I wonder what Boston will look like. Or Chicago.

My car travels the roads both day and night. Books-on-tape work better than toothpicks, but then I have to stop to hear the crickets chirp at night with the bright three-quarters moon overhead and a cool breeze hissing sibilantly through browning waist-high grass.

Peaceful. I wasn’t expecting peaceful.

I keep talking about art. And Germany. My calling, and my future. I answer questions. Sometimes I see confused expressions. Doubt. Mostly I see interest.

In Charlotte I met a woman who shared with me her vision for the arts. In Philly a friend gave me a tour of artists’ studios in a local church. I’ll visit an art ministry in New York soon. Art integrated with faith, and [sometimes] faith integrated with culture. What’s this world coming to?

Hopefully more of the same.

In Chattanooga I caught up with a friend I met in Prague. Coffee with an Irish acquaintance in Atlanta. Several friends from Prague in South Carolina and Virginia. Today I had breakfast with someone I know by way of Amsterdam. The list goes on, with older friends from other eras of my life scattered like jewels across the red, white, and blue countryside. Living life. Doing ministry.

I talk. I listen. I catch up.

I see God.

I’m less than halfway through my road trip. I’m already tired.

And I’m wondering how God is going to bless me next.

Have you ever longed for something so strongly that your heart almost hurts when you think about it? Maybe there was a physical aspect to it, like hunger or thirst.  Most of us in the States have never had to experience that kind of longing. Perhaps it was a particular relationship. Or maybe you simply wanted that really cool pair of shoes you saw in the mall.

I haven’t fully processed through my own theology of longing, but I imagine that there is often a very fine line between a Godly longing and a sinful one. From the outside they sometimes look the same, such as the relationships between two different men and women. But where one couple’s relationship promotes a deeper commitment to God and each other, the other may only promote anxiety and fear if the foundation of the relationship is not grounded in their love of Christ.

I’ve been thinking about this fine line lately as I begin raising support to go back on the mission field in Europe. I feel that God has given me a vision for ministry in the arts in Europe, and that vision is growing within me every day. Sometimes I’ve had a hard time keeping rein on my excitement as I share my calling with other people!

But I’m also scared to death of the support-raising process. I’ve had difficulty at times in holding back my anxiety as I process the amount of time and energy it will take to raise the support necessary to live overseas, and that doesn’t count how scared I am to ask people to join my ministry in financial support! A few weeks ago I stressed myself out with the idea that I’ll never get to join my ministry in Europe; that no one will want to support this vision.

My anxiety, however, could only have been rooted in sin. I know God has called me to this journey, so why should I fear? My fear signified a lack of trust in God, not a lack of vision.

I’m often disappointed that I can so quickly pervert a Godly longing with an ungodly fear. In the last few weeks I’ve asked God to take away my anxiety, to pull my eyes back to Him when I get distracted by details. Yes, this process will take time, and in my humanness I certainly wish it was a lot easier. But I’ve already been tremendously blessed in the few days I’ve met with people to share my ministry vision.

I wish I wouldn’t fight the lessons that God works to teach me; I wish trust came easier. But I’m glad He considers me worth the effort!

Have you ever read any of C.S. Lewis’ fiction? Most people, of course, are familiar with his “Narnia” series, and I know a few Christians and non-Christians who have read his less-famous “Space Trilogy.” Much of his story-telling is allegorical; he makes no apologies about writing from a Christian perspective. All of his fiction is meant to be educational, in a sense.

Whether fiction or nonfiction, I’ve never read an author who can parse out the whys and wherefores of human nature like C.S. Lewis, and as a lover-of-stories, I always feel like I gain the most from his fiction. Time and time again I find myself relating to a friend or acquaintance some passage from one of his stories that illustrates a Biblical truth I want to share.

So I also like to re-read his books every so often, to experience C.S. Lewis’ genius anew. Recently I decided to work through his “Space Trilogy” again, which I hadn’t read in years. Perelandra, the second book, is really the best book in the trilogy and caused me to look at the nature of sinful desire in a profoundly new way. The story is about a man who is sent to a sinless world to protect that planet’s “Eve” from falling into sin. In the book Lewis looks at sin we take for granted through the eyes of a being that knows no sin. Here’s the section in Perelandra that I always remember best:

“What you have made me see,” answered the Lady, “is as plain as the sky, but I never saw it before. Yet it has happened every day. One goes into the forest to pick food and already the thought of one fruit rather than another has grown up in one’s mind. Then, it may be, one finds a different fruit and not the fruit one thought of. One joy was expected and another is given. But this I had never noticed before—that at the very moment of the finding there is in the mind a kind of thrusting back, or a setting aside. The picture of the fruit you have not found is still, for a moment, before you. And if you wished—if it were possible to wish—you could keep it there. You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got. You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other.”

Wow. How often do we all place more importance on a previous gift from God rather than the gift that He wants to provide anew? Later in the book the Eve character takes her understanding further and sees that eventually these people will desire that fruit in place of God.

I know I do that all the time. I hope to taste again what was sweet yesterday, and I forget that God wants to provide something sweeter today. I want that relationship to stay the same, or those years back that I lost, or the waistline that I used to have. There are different kinds of gluttony, and the excess of anything not from God leads us away from Him.

Rereading this part of Perelandra is expecially apropos to where I am now. I’m so excited about the ministry that I’ll join next year in Germany, and the process of raising support to get there seems to be an obstacle. But my desire to be back in Europe cannot preempt the people and situations that God places in front of me today and the joy the process should bring, particularly if it’s a process that God wants me to work through!

So my prayers are for patience and joy. I want to find joy in whatever God brings today. And as much as I hope my support-raising process goes quickly, I’m beginning to truly look forward to the next few months of reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones.

I’m sure I’ll find some pretty tasty fruit in my future!

When I was a child I loved listening to Christian music. Rich Mullins was always my favorite, but I have to admit that I also loved Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, and even [gasp] Carman!

And then I “grew up.”

My musical tastes grew more refined, and I saw how ridiculous some of these musicians really were. Why would anyone ever voluntarily listen to a song like Carman’s “The Champion?” Didn’t Mr. Chapman understand how silly he was trying to rap? And Smitty…wow…shouldn’t he have retired a long time ago?!

When we get older our choices in music and art do change, but I’m sad to say that I bought into what many other Christians my age were doing. A lot of Christian music was and still is derivative, that’s true. And I do get sad when I see talented musicians who believe in Christ mimicking either the world’s taste in music and art or, perhaps even worse, what they believe Christians want to hear. There’s nothing wrong with constructive criticism and informed opinion.

But I was wrong to mock, even silently, and disregard the music I loved as a child. That music watered the seeds of my own faith, and I should find joy that I had parents who encouraged it and that I had a desire to immerse myself in Christ-oriented things.

So I’m a little more tolerant than I used to be of Christian music, which is a good thing since every other station in the United States seems to play Christian songs. I still get frustrated with some of the cheesy lyrics, the lack of originality, or how a lot of Christian music doesn’t seem to address real-life issues, but there’s also a lot of good stuff out there. More than there was 20 years ago.

And I don’t know about Carman, but Smitty and Stephen Curtis Chapman are still putting out good work. I only heard the song above (“Yours,” by Stephen Curtis Chapman) a few weeks ago for the first time, although I believe it came out in 2008. But it almost makes me feel like a kid again, getting excited about a song and even broadening my vision for life and ministry.

So I hope these guys keep writing music for the rest of their lives and encouraging believers to think outside the streets of their town.

And I’ll try to remember that God can use it all for His glory!

“In the zone.” I’m sure there’s some kind of sports metaphor bound up in that phrase, but even for me—the guy who usually avoids anything sports-themed—those words carry a lot of meaning. I think of those times when all my creative ideas, actions, and desires seem to gel, when all I can do is try to keep up with where I’m going. I suppose the word “synergy” fits the concept well, although I also try to avoid traditionally corporate-oriented terms!

I’ve been back in the States for over two months after five years of living in four different countries, and for the first three weeks I was running from city to city, going to conferences and then an orientation with a mission organization. Those first three weeks were a roller-coaster ride.

And then the ride stopped.

I had intended on getting back to Memphis and beginning the process of raising funds to join a new ministry in Germany. I did quite a bit of other stuff, such as sleeping in, reading books, and watching movies. I visited family and friends and went to a wedding in Florida. I even began a new exercise regime and  commitment to healthy eating. Not too shabby. But my movement forward towards the goal I’ve been given slowed down. I might be able to blame a little of my laissez-faire attitude on the infamous “reverse culture shock” that missionaries and other long-term world travellers go through, but I don’t like excuses. I’m especially good at recognizing my own!

But around two weeks ago, however, I felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown on me in my sleep. Well, maybe not a bucket…more like a cupful. But I’ve felt more clarity in purpose and desire that I have in a long, long time. God has given me a ministry, a vision, and the skills to see it happen. I’ve remembered that my primary goal in being back in the States is to build a team of supporters to send me back to Europe.

So I’m in the zone. Since my only current outgoing expenses are food and gas, I’m in a unique situation to be able to focus solely on ministry and partner development. For the last week I’ve been designing and reformatting my website, newsletter, and missionary resources like a madman. Next on the list is figuring out what my next three to six months will look like. Normally I’m not a particularly organized person, but this has all been good. I feel like I’m finally where I’m supposed to be and working towards something that I believe in.

Exciting, right? I’m sure we all love being in the zone, and I’ve been praying that God gives me the discipline and willpower to stick with this vision o’ mine, especially when I drift outside the zone. Because it will happen.

But that vision will never disappear…